


Dave Strider: Host Wheel of Fortune

by dontrush



Series: Dave Strider, Celebrity Impersonator [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 04:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontrush/pseuds/dontrush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider is the host.  John, Terezi, and Vriska are the contestants. </p>
<p>The result is an absolute train wreck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave Strider: Host Wheel of Fortune

ANNOUNCER: From NBC studios in Los Angeles, California, it's time for America's game:  
CROWD: _WHEEL!_  
CROWD: _OF!_  
CROWD: _FORTUNE!!_  
ANNOUNCER: And here come the stars of our show: Pat Sajak and Vanna White!

DAVE: sup  
DAVE: im the star  
DAVE: its me  
DAVE: youre probably wondering what happened to pat sajak  
DAVE: well we were talking the other day  
DAVE: motherfucker hasnt been laid in like twenty years  
DAVE: so i offered to host the show for him while he takes care of that  
DAVE: and since im here i figured id do things my way  
DAVE: threw out all the shitty puzzles and wrote my own  
DAVE: changed the shows name to wheel of 4chan  
DAVE: got vanna to show some more leg  
DAVE: not too much though shes like sixty for christsakes  
DAVE: anyway its time for a tossup or whatever the fuck  
DAVE: category is character btw

_The tossup music, which has been replaced with a "Hollaback Girl" remix, begins to play as the letters reveal themselves one at a time._

PUZZLE: ----- ---  
PUZZLE: S---- ---  
PUZZLE: S---- -R-  
PUZZLE: S--E- -R-  
PUZZLE: S--ET -R-  
PUZZLE: S--ET BR-  
JOHN: *bzzt*  
JOHN: uh...  
JOHN: sweet bro?  
DAVE: yep

_The rest of the puzzle reveals itself and the music stops as John is awarded $1000. The audience claps after a moment's hesitation._

DAVE: so this is the part where i pretend to give a shit about the contestants  
DAVE: luckily i replaced all the assholes that were supposed to play with a few friends of mine  
DAVE: ill just let them talk about themselves a little now  
DAVE: you first john  
JOHN: oh!  
JOHN: my name's john and i'm a meteorology major at Washington State.  
JOHN: go cougars!  
DAVE: shh not so loud john  
DAVE: dont give vanna any ideas  
JOHN: i am also the founder and sole member of the Nicolas Cage Appreciation Association or NCAA as the mainstream press likes to call it.  
DAVE: fucking fascinating  
DAVE: youre up next hot stuff  
TEREZI: >;]  
TEREZI: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1  
TEREZI: 1 4M 4 F1RST CL4SS PROS3CUT1NG 4TTORN3Y FROM TH3 M34N STR33TS OF L.4.  
TEREZI: 3V3R S1NC3 1 GR4DU4T3D HUM4N L4W SCHOOL 1V3 B33N PUTT1NG CHUMPS B3H1ND B4RS NONSTOP  
TEREZI: 1TS L1K3 TH3Y H34RD SOM3BODY OV3R H3R3 H4S B33N H4ND1NG OUT JUST1C3  
TEREZI: 4ND TRUST M3  
TEREZI: TH1S TOWN H4S KNOWN NOTH1NG BUT SW33PS OF B1TT3R JUST1C3 F4M1N3  
TEREZI: 4LSO 1M BL1ND BUT WHO HON3STLY G1V3S 4 SH1T  
DAVE: exactly  
DAVE: okay this next persons only here because john insisted  
DAVE: also cause my sister made conflicting plans for today  
DAVE: she didnt think i had the balls to go through with operation hijack sajak  
DAVE: she laughed when i told her i was gonna get pat sajak kidnapped i mean laid  
DAVE: whos laughing now rose  
DAVE: whos laughing now  
DAVE: goddamn nobody thats who  
DAVE: so yeah spiderbitch lets make this quick  
VRISKA: I'm Vriska! :::;)  
VRISKA: I'm a professional 8lackjack dealer from  
DAVE: whoops sorry times up  
VRISKA: What? You can't just interrupt me like that!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: could somebody please cut her mic  
VRISKA: This is COMPLETE 8ULLSHIT! You let Pyrope talk for like 8 hours 8nd then you h8ve THE NERVE to........  
VRISKA: ........  
VRISKA: ........  
DAVE: like music to my goddamn ears  
DAVE: okay next puzzle is a phrase  
DAVE: i think john goes first  
DAVE: could somebody locate the nearest rulebook  
DAVE: i need to know precisely in what direction i need to not be giving my fucks right now  
PUZZLE: --- -- ----- ------?  
JOHN: okay, i'll spin.  
WHEEL: *wild card space*  
JOHN: an "S" please!  
PUZZLE: --- -S ----- ------?  
DAVE: one s  
DAVE: pick up that wild card  
DAVE: no money though so spin again  
JOHN: alright.  
WHEEL: *300*  
JOHN: an "R"!  
PUZZLE: --- -S ----- --R---?  
DAVE: one r  
DAVE: now youve got  
DAVE: actually screw narrating all this shit  
DAVE: listen up viewers  
DAVE: you want to know his score then read it off the damn screen  
DAVE: lazy fucks  
JOHN: uh...can i buy a vowel?  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: oh yeah sure  
JOHN: an "O"!  
PUZZLE: -O- -S ----- -OR---?  
DAVE: two os  
DAVE: you sure you know how to play egbert  
DAVE: the second word is obviously is youre supposed to buy an i  
JOHN: i think im just gonna spin again.  
DAVE: suit yourself  
WHEEL: *Lose a Turn*  
TEREZI: MY TURN >:]  
WHEEL: *500*  
TEREZI: 4N H PL34S3  
PUZZLE: HO- -S ----- -OR---?  
DAVE: one h  
TEREZI: C4N 1 BUY 4N 1?  
DAVE: sorry theres no ones  
DAVE: or any numbers at all for that matter  
TEREZI: 1 M34NT 4N 1!!!  
TEREZI: 4S 1N "1D1OT COOL K1D"  
DAVE: oh right sorry about that  
PUZZLE: HO- IS ----- -OR---?  
DAVE: we got one of those right where i said it would be  
TEREZI: 1LL SP1N 4G41N  
WHEEL: *Bankrupt*  
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha!  
TEREZI: H3Y!  
TEREZI: YOU D1D TH4T ON PURPOS3 VR1SKA!  
VRISKA: I have noooooooo idea what you're talking a8bout!  
TEREZI: >:[  
VRISKA: Them's the 8r8ks!  
VRISKA: Now it's time to show you how a winner spins. ::::)  
WHEEL: *5000*  
DAVE: holy shit does it even go that high  
DAVE: how high is this wheel right now  
VRISKA: 8!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: yeah theres definitely no eight  
DAVE: your turn john  
VRISKA: WH8T? I said 8! As in "8IG FAT SMUG ASSHOLE WHO WEARS STUPID SHADES TO COVER UP HIS UGLY ASS F8CE!"  
VRISKA: I am getting SOOOOOOOO sick of your BL8TANT F8VORITISM AND........  
VRISKA: ........  
VRISKA: ........  
DAVE: haha wow  
DAVE: whoever turned her mic off without me asking is now my permanent best bro forever  
DAVE: sorry about you getting knocked out of the top spot john  
DAVE: if its any consolation its your turn  
JOHN: then i guess ill spin!  
WHEEL: *900*  
JOHN: a "B"  
PUZZLE: HO- IS B-BB- -OR---?  
DAVE: weve got three of em  
VRISKA: ........  
JOHN: i'd like to solve:  
JOHN: how is babby formed?  
DAVE: you got it dude

_The full puzzle reveals itself, eliciting a delayed and very, very hesitant round of applause from the audience._

DAVE: im bored as hell right now  
DAVE: and i only made like 3 puzzles  
DAVE: so were just going to skip straight to the bonus round  
DAVE: john youre the big winner with like 4000 dollars  
DAVE: i didnt really keep track  
DAVE: vriska you won nothing so you leave with 1000 dollars of pity cash  
VRISKA: YOU S8N OF A........  
VRISKA: ........  
VRISKA: !!!!!!!!  
DAVE: haha that will never get fucking old  
DAVE: terezi you also get the 1000 sympathy bucks  
DAVE: and a backstage pass to dave striders dressing room  
TEREZI: 1TS C3RT41NLY B33N 4 PL34SUR3 M1ST3R COOLK1D  
DAVE: please babe save the pleasure for backstage  
DAVE: just smell for the room labeled pat sajak  
DAVE: also there might be an old guy in there duct taped to a chair  
DAVE: he also might be screaming for help  
DAVE: hope thats not a turn off  
TEREZI: MUCH TO TH3 CONTR4RY >;]  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: i   
DAVE: have got THE weirdest--  
JOHN: uh, dave?  
JOHN: the bonus round?  
DAVE: ...right  
DAVE: no time for commercials just get your ass over to the bonus wheel

They walk over as two audience members come to the front.

DAVE: now tell the only seventeen people who actually fucking watch this show who youve got in the audience tonight  
JOHN: well that's my dad.  
JOHN: and that's my sister Jade!  
DAVE: sweet  
DAVE: so give the bonus wheel a little taste of that egbert mangrit  
JOHN: hup!  
WHEEL: ttttttttt-t-t-t--t---t  
DAVE: an apostrophe awesome  
DAVE: lemme just grab that envelope while we give you the puzzle  
DAVE: its a phrase again  
PUZZLE: - -- - ----------  
DAVE: and we give you rstln and e because why the fuck not  
PUZZLE: - -- - ----SE---L  
DAVE: now you give us 3 consonants  
JOHN: ...M...H...and...X.  
DAVE: seriously john  
DAVE: x???  
DAVE: whatevs  
DAVE: vowel time  
JOHN: an "O".  
DAVE: and im p sure that wild card means you get another letter  
JOHN: can it be another vowel?  
DAVE: hell if i know  
DAVE: be my guest  
JOHN: an "A" then.  
DAVE: alrighty then looks like you got a lot of help on this one  
DAVE: audience keep quiet now  
DAVE: your ten seconds start when vanna hits the last one right about  
PUZZLE: - AM A HOMOSEX-AL  
DAVE: now

_The bonus puzzle music, which has been replaced with Lil B's "Pretty Bitch," begins to play._

JOHN: uh...  
DAVE: come on john  
JOHN: i don't...  
DAVE: times a wastin   
JOHN: but the puzzle...  
DAVE: three seconds left  
JOHN: goddammit dave!  
DAVE: two   
JOHN: ...  
DAVE: one  
JOHN: I AM A HOMOSEXUAL

_The last few letters are revealed as the "win" flourish plays. Vanna, wearing a strained smile, is clapping along with a few confused audience members._

DAVE: congrats  
DAVE: lets see your prize

_Dave opens the envelope._

DAVE: its an all expenses paid candlelight hate date with karkat vantas  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: what.  
DAVE: lets bring him out here

_Said troll steps out from backstage to the sound of an entire studio audience doing absolutely no clapping._

DAVE: (you fuckin owe me dude)  
KARKAT: (I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.)  
JOHN: does that envelope actually say that?  
DAVE: (well i did go through with it so pony up the payment)  
KARKAT: (SIGH...SAME PRICE AS WE AGREED, RIGHT?)  
JOHN: wait a second...  
DAVE: (hell no i want double)  
KARKAT: (WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK FOR?)  
JOHN: dave i just checked the bonus wheel...  
DAVE: (sajak kicks like a goddamn mule)  
DAVE: (or packbeast or whatever the fuck you trolls call them)  
JOHN: ...every single one of those envelopes had that same prize inside.  
KARKAT: (FINE. YOU'RE LUCKY THE PIECES OF SHIT WERE BOGO.)  
KARKAT: (HERE'S *TWO* OF YOUR REQUESTED "IRONIC" MY LITTLE PONY TRAPPER KEEPERS.)  
DAVE: (hell to the fuck yes)  
JOHN: what the hell is going on here????????  
DAVE: kay thats our show everybody  
JOHN: dave? anyone?  
DAVE: stay tuned for jeopardy  
DAVE: (time for operation hijack trebek)


End file.
